I've come to the conclusion that my life is out of control recently, or at the very least I'm no longer at the rudder.
I spent a rather melancholy Friday afternoon, busy as usual, but fuming that my 'beloved' company has yet again said one thing and done another. Oh...I so want out of there.
I had a glimmer, just the beginnings of thoughts in my head Saturday night that there may be a way out. I quite probably need devine intervention to get me out of the gutter of my own making, but I just know I'm better than this and need to clean up my life rather than just....functioning.
I posted a song on Song Meanings over the weekend. It was Nik Kershaw's Human Racing.
Look behind you, there's the man you're chasing
Look behind you - Let's go Human Racing
It wasn't until today that I realised that this is exactly what I'm doing. Chasing a dream that is of this world, only to find I have plenty of competitors, some of which I believe better than me chasing the same dream and believing that I have the best chance - they either bide their time, or just wait to stab me in the back.
Here's the killer lion though - it's only me that can make the change. It's wrong to say that I've ever swum against the tide. I don't exactly go with the flow either, I just drift idly along in the current, rather than swimming to the shore, and look at the poor mugs fighting it out whilst I have a cup of tea and a marmite sandwich. This is, of course, what I want. Do I want promotion? Hmmm...maybe. Do I want to advance my career? Maybe. Do I still more want to make a difference in someone's life so that, even if I sit back with perhaps the odd pang of jealousy, I have at least stored that one special gem that is not of this world, but of another? You betcha. But I have to change first.
Perhaps I'm scared of change, but whilst the world is moving towards self destruction, and the people in it are dismantling themselves along with it, it is me who has to say - STOP. There must be something better than this. I have plenty of ideas, and plenty of intelligence. It may be stupid to say I will start tomorrow - tomorrow brings another week of work in a company I've lost faith in and I'll just be too darn busy to worry about my future, I'll be busy concerned with making sure that as few people phone up on pay day as possible.
OK - here's my one, important, resolution that is far above the others that I may have made. Set myself 5 minutes a day to think about/do something else other than work or pleasure. Maybe it will extend to an hour before the end of the year, but I have a feeling that something big is going to happen if I just start to make the changes.