Waving the double standards

I'm female. Well, that's what my mum told me anyway, and all the bits seem to be in the right place. I'm telling you, cos there may be a few things I say that will upset many who read this and think I'm a man in a dress.

I was brought up in a fairly chauvinistic household - not the primitive version that we all seem to think of - woman doing all the work and man sitting on his bum on the sofa watching TV and drinking beer - but the old fashioned version - woman is duitiful, pretty, able and willing and the man goes out hunting for food and beats chest in frenzied excitement when he comes home with the booty.

Those days are gone. Thank God, says New Woman. We're heading for two thirds divorce rate says me.

There were three things I heard last night that proves 'Girl Power' is just out of control.

1. Comedy skit on radio. Man is devastated that woman is bound to leave her because she has bought an all-in-1 remote control and so therefore can operate all the electrical equipment at once, leaving man as a useless appendage in the relationship, his previous job being working the video recorder, DVD and Hi-Fi

2. Advertisment on TV. Woman does all the decorating prep in 30 seconds flat (seems like) and smugly sits next to man on sofa who has just sat down with a cup of tea waiting for woman to finish prep.

3. TV House hunting programme. Woman berates man for telling the cameras that she burst into tears because she was so happy that she got the house of her dreams.

OK, these are perhaps weak examples, but the fact that they were all heard in one evening just epitomises the state of the sexes. The trouble with relationships nowadays is that *both* sexes want to wear the trousers and refuse to allow a 'leader' in the relationship. Well, they will, but providing that New woman leads the relationship, because New Man doesn't have a clue.

New Woman refuses to believe the above, but New Woman has been divorced 4 times, what does she know? I have been extremely happily married for 15 years. We guide and help each other - but guess what? - my husband has the last word on major decisions. I tell you what, it leads to a stress-free relationship for me, cos he can do the main worrying about the decsion.

There's a running joke in our relationship. Take a jar which I'm struggling to open whilst cooking dinner. New Woman would try anything - such as the old blade handle round the top trick to release the seal, running under hot water, elastic band round the lid or even the desperate 'taking a sharp implement and giving it the psycho' treatment. Mind you, New Woman rarely cooks does she, or perhaps she may microwave. Me? I walk into the living room, hold out the offending jar to my SOH and say "Bloke.". "Bloke" then opens jar with ease and hands it back with a smug look on his face. I tell you what, it saves so much sweat, nails and aggravation I recommend it to anyone, because:

1. It makes the SOH feel loved and wanted and this type of thing re-awakes the Tarzan attitude in all of them and
2. It gets my ruddy jar open and I can get on with my life

Both in the relationship are happy. You can apply the "Bloke" principle in many areas of married life, and I wonder why my marriage has lasted longer than New Woman's?

Down with Girl Power. Lets get with love and respect.

Ow..ow...oww

I've suffered all sorts of pain in my life. I have not, as yet, experienced a broken bone but I have twisted both of my ankles, suffered from a trapped nerve in the base of my spine, had chest pain, earaches, migraines even gone through the horrible trauma of gallstones moving in the bile duct and the pain that creates is indescribable.

However, they all pale into insignificance when compared with toothache.

I haven't been the best at looking after my teeth, but so a dentist once told me, once a tooth is filled - that's *it* - you will forever be getting toothache with that one tooth alone, once every 5-10 years or so, as the tooth decays around the filling leaving you in danger of an infection in the hole it makes. Yuk.

I get toothache every couple of years. The latest is a humdinger comparable to the pain you get when you have an infection in the gum (yep, had that too). The dentist dug out the filling of the offending tooth, filled it in again (and topped it with white stuff which I've never had done before) and informed me that the tooth was approaching the point where it could be repaired no more. Apparently, the tooth had collapsed and the gum had started to grow in and around it, hence the pain.

And because of the vibration and teeth grinding at night, I have suffered pain of epic proportions for the last 6 days. I should go back to the dentist, but I have this other problem - a tooth that should be crowned but I can't make up my mind.

I am not scared of dentists - I have been in and out of dentists since I was around 9 years old, when I had 28 adult teeth and my wisdom teeth were starting to come through. The overcrowding in my jaw meant that 4 teeth had to be removed and braces put in my teeth (the ones that you can remove, not the horrible welded in ones which make you look like Jaws from James Bond). No, perhaps the most painful part is paying the bill, which, although I can claim back 75% from my insurance still makes me gulp like reacting to the taste clove oil which has accidentally slipped down the gullet.

Still - that's why we're driving around a Citroen BX and he drives a Mazda soft top.