I'm female. Well, that's what my mum told me anyway, and all the bits seem to be in the right place. I'm telling you, cos there may be a few things I say that will upset many who read this and think I'm a man in a dress.
I was brought up in a fairly chauvinistic household - not the primitive version that we all seem to think of - woman doing all the work and man sitting on his bum on the sofa watching TV and drinking beer - but the old fashioned version - woman is duitiful, pretty, able and willing and the man goes out hunting for food and beats chest in frenzied excitement when he comes home with the booty.
Those days are gone. Thank God, says New Woman. We're heading for two thirds divorce rate says me.
There were three things I heard last night that proves 'Girl Power' is just out of control.
1. Comedy skit on radio. Man is devastated that woman is bound to leave her because she has bought an all-in-1 remote control and so therefore can operate all the electrical equipment at once, leaving man as a useless appendage in the relationship, his previous job being working the video recorder, DVD and Hi-Fi
2. Advertisment on TV. Woman does all the decorating prep in 30 seconds flat (seems like) and smugly sits next to man on sofa who has just sat down with a cup of tea waiting for woman to finish prep.
3. TV House hunting programme. Woman berates man for telling the cameras that she burst into tears because she was so happy that she got the house of her dreams.
OK, these are perhaps weak examples, but the fact that they were all heard in one evening just epitomises the state of the sexes. The trouble with relationships nowadays is that *both* sexes want to wear the trousers and refuse to allow a 'leader' in the relationship. Well, they will, but providing that New woman leads the relationship, because New Man doesn't have a clue.
New Woman refuses to believe the above, but New Woman has been divorced 4 times, what does she know? I have been extremely happily married for 15 years. We guide and help each other - but guess what? - my husband has the last word on major decisions. I tell you what, it leads to a stress-free relationship for me, cos he can do the main worrying about the decsion.
There's a running joke in our relationship. Take a jar which I'm struggling to open whilst cooking dinner. New Woman would try anything - such as the old blade handle round the top trick to release the seal, running under hot water, elastic band round the lid or even the desperate 'taking a sharp implement and giving it the psycho' treatment. Mind you, New Woman rarely cooks does she, or perhaps she may microwave. Me? I walk into the living room, hold out the offending jar to my SOH and say "Bloke.". "Bloke" then opens jar with ease and hands it back with a smug look on his face. I tell you what, it saves so much sweat, nails and aggravation I recommend it to anyone, because:
1. It makes the SOH feel loved and wanted and this type of thing re-awakes the Tarzan attitude in all of them and
2. It gets my ruddy jar open and I can get on with my life
Both in the relationship are happy. You can apply the "Bloke" principle in many areas of married life, and I wonder why my marriage has lasted longer than New Woman's?
Down with Girl Power. Lets get with love and respect.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Monday, August 08, 2005
Ow..ow...oww
I've suffered all sorts of pain in my life. I have not, as yet, experienced a broken bone but I have twisted both of my ankles, suffered from a trapped nerve in the base of my spine, had chest pain, earaches, migraines even gone through the horrible trauma of gallstones moving in the bile duct and the pain that creates is indescribable.
However, they all pale into insignificance when compared with toothache.
I haven't been the best at looking after my teeth, but so a dentist once told me, once a tooth is filled - that's *it* - you will forever be getting toothache with that one tooth alone, once every 5-10 years or so, as the tooth decays around the filling leaving you in danger of an infection in the hole it makes. Yuk.
I get toothache every couple of years. The latest is a humdinger comparable to the pain you get when you have an infection in the gum (yep, had that too). The dentist dug out the filling of the offending tooth, filled it in again (and topped it with white stuff which I've never had done before) and informed me that the tooth was approaching the point where it could be repaired no more. Apparently, the tooth had collapsed and the gum had started to grow in and around it, hence the pain.
And because of the vibration and teeth grinding at night, I have suffered pain of epic proportions for the last 6 days. I should go back to the dentist, but I have this other problem - a tooth that should be crowned but I can't make up my mind.
I am not scared of dentists - I have been in and out of dentists since I was around 9 years old, when I had 28 adult teeth and my wisdom teeth were starting to come through. The overcrowding in my jaw meant that 4 teeth had to be removed and braces put in my teeth (the ones that you can remove, not the horrible welded in ones which make you look like Jaws from James Bond). No, perhaps the most painful part is paying the bill, which, although I can claim back 75% from my insurance still makes me gulp like reacting to the taste clove oil which has accidentally slipped down the gullet.
Still - that's why we're driving around a Citroen BX and he drives a Mazda soft top.
However, they all pale into insignificance when compared with toothache.
I haven't been the best at looking after my teeth, but so a dentist once told me, once a tooth is filled - that's *it* - you will forever be getting toothache with that one tooth alone, once every 5-10 years or so, as the tooth decays around the filling leaving you in danger of an infection in the hole it makes. Yuk.
I get toothache every couple of years. The latest is a humdinger comparable to the pain you get when you have an infection in the gum (yep, had that too). The dentist dug out the filling of the offending tooth, filled it in again (and topped it with white stuff which I've never had done before) and informed me that the tooth was approaching the point where it could be repaired no more. Apparently, the tooth had collapsed and the gum had started to grow in and around it, hence the pain.
And because of the vibration and teeth grinding at night, I have suffered pain of epic proportions for the last 6 days. I should go back to the dentist, but I have this other problem - a tooth that should be crowned but I can't make up my mind.
I am not scared of dentists - I have been in and out of dentists since I was around 9 years old, when I had 28 adult teeth and my wisdom teeth were starting to come through. The overcrowding in my jaw meant that 4 teeth had to be removed and braces put in my teeth (the ones that you can remove, not the horrible welded in ones which make you look like Jaws from James Bond). No, perhaps the most painful part is paying the bill, which, although I can claim back 75% from my insurance still makes me gulp like reacting to the taste clove oil which has accidentally slipped down the gullet.
Still - that's why we're driving around a Citroen BX and he drives a Mazda soft top.
Friday, July 29, 2005
Old as the person you feel...or something...
I'm 35 in three weeks.
S'funny cos I don't feel 35. And the person I'm feeling ain't 35 either. I read somewhere years ago of a pop star who attained the age 35 and said he was now, officially 'middle-aged'
I don't feel that either.
As you grow older you think of life as something like:
Baby - don't know anything
Child - knows a bit, but uses the fact that adults think that s/he's only a child and wouldn't know (like heck)
Teenager - Knows it all
Young adult - Its scary out here when there's so much I should know and nothing I learnt at school helps
Middleaged - Well its too late now to know anything, I ask my mum/dad to fill in the gaps. Or my colleagues. Or my 5 year old son
Grey - A few brain cells have dropped out, but I know more than they think
I won't say how old my better half is, I'll just say he's a bit older than me. He started to go backwards on the list when he hit middleaged and is hovering between 'young adult' and 'child' (Teenagers scare him, so he's skipped that generation). Its great cos he makes me feel young and I don't think I've aged a year since I first met him, aged 16.
I'm sure someone said to me years ago that you've been middleaged since you were about 5. Actually, I think this is probably true of a lot of girls, they take life soooo seriously sometimes. Crack a joke about their crow's feet ("hey, you could always make a feature out of them with papier mache") and they look at you as if you've just burnt their house down.
My hair is starting to grey, but its been doing that since my late teens, I have a stressful job. I'm getting a few wrinkles but if people can't take me wrinkles and all, and not see the person I am inside (friendly but sometimes volatile) then they can go and find other friends. Or enemies.
I'm gonna carry on believing that I'm 17 with the mind of a 35 year old. Or maybe the body of a 35 year old with the mind of the girl of 17.
That's better.
S'funny cos I don't feel 35. And the person I'm feeling ain't 35 either. I read somewhere years ago of a pop star who attained the age 35 and said he was now, officially 'middle-aged'
I don't feel that either.
As you grow older you think of life as something like:
Baby - don't know anything
Child - knows a bit, but uses the fact that adults think that s/he's only a child and wouldn't know (like heck)
Teenager - Knows it all
Young adult - Its scary out here when there's so much I should know and nothing I learnt at school helps
Middleaged - Well its too late now to know anything, I ask my mum/dad to fill in the gaps. Or my colleagues. Or my 5 year old son
Grey - A few brain cells have dropped out, but I know more than they think
I won't say how old my better half is, I'll just say he's a bit older than me. He started to go backwards on the list when he hit middleaged and is hovering between 'young adult' and 'child' (Teenagers scare him, so he's skipped that generation). Its great cos he makes me feel young and I don't think I've aged a year since I first met him, aged 16.
I'm sure someone said to me years ago that you've been middleaged since you were about 5. Actually, I think this is probably true of a lot of girls, they take life soooo seriously sometimes. Crack a joke about their crow's feet ("hey, you could always make a feature out of them with papier mache") and they look at you as if you've just burnt their house down.
My hair is starting to grey, but its been doing that since my late teens, I have a stressful job. I'm getting a few wrinkles but if people can't take me wrinkles and all, and not see the person I am inside (friendly but sometimes volatile) then they can go and find other friends. Or enemies.
I'm gonna carry on believing that I'm 17 with the mind of a 35 year old. Or maybe the body of a 35 year old with the mind of the girl of 17.
That's better.
Saturday, July 23, 2005
Pass the happy pills please, no the orange ones...
I've realised that glancing over my page of posts that I've been doom, gloom and depression for too long and that ain't in keeping with a blog that was meant to be humourous.
Still, I've heard tell that writers do best with stuff that's on their heart don't they? So I've bared my soul to a PC and maybe 6 people on the net (on a good day) and do I feel any better?
Do I heck. I lose myself in my work and my love life and I am, for the most part, extremely content with my lot. Or should that be little?
The way people are nowadays reminds me of that reggae-pop-hit-that-wasn't-a-pop-hit-but-everyone-thinks-should-have-darn-well-been-a-pop-hit "Radio Africa". You must know the one "I'm hearing only bad news (on Radio Africa)". Seems like I hear bad news on not just Radio Africa, but Radio USA, Radio Europe, Radio Australia, suicide rates are up, the environment cart is going to hell and we're strapped to the rear axle.
There's great uncertainty at my workplace as well and morale is down, and I think that's true of most workforces.
Don't Worry, Be Happy a great philosopher once sang.
No - I'm not going to forget about the world's troubles and I'm not going to bury my head in the sand in the hope that it will all go away. However, I know that as just one person in the huge computer that is the world - I ain't gonna make a whole lotta difference to the geology, the economy, the ecology, whatever.
BUT - you can make a big difference in at least ONE person's life today and you don't have to raise a finger. No...
SMILE! The sunshine will follow you around wherever you go.
Still, I've heard tell that writers do best with stuff that's on their heart don't they? So I've bared my soul to a PC and maybe 6 people on the net (on a good day) and do I feel any better?
Do I heck. I lose myself in my work and my love life and I am, for the most part, extremely content with my lot. Or should that be little?
The way people are nowadays reminds me of that reggae-pop-hit-that-wasn't-a-pop-hit-but-everyone-thinks-should-have-darn-well-been-a-pop-hit "Radio Africa". You must know the one "I'm hearing only bad news (on Radio Africa)". Seems like I hear bad news on not just Radio Africa, but Radio USA, Radio Europe, Radio Australia, suicide rates are up, the environment cart is going to hell and we're strapped to the rear axle.
There's great uncertainty at my workplace as well and morale is down, and I think that's true of most workforces.
Don't Worry, Be Happy a great philosopher once sang.
No - I'm not going to forget about the world's troubles and I'm not going to bury my head in the sand in the hope that it will all go away. However, I know that as just one person in the huge computer that is the world - I ain't gonna make a whole lotta difference to the geology, the economy, the ecology, whatever.
BUT - you can make a big difference in at least ONE person's life today and you don't have to raise a finger. No...
SMILE! The sunshine will follow you around wherever you go.
Friday, July 22, 2005
Outta the frying pan
Unless you've been living in the jungle with just a coupla tigers and a shamen whose English is limited to the word 'Coca-Cola', then you'll know that London is under attack.
Bar all conspiracy theories that seems to go with all terrorist bombings, its really strange that I somehow feel more uneasy now, living 250+ miles away than I did when I only lived around 20 miles away. Then, during the IRA's forays, I felt completely disconnected with what was going on in central London.
The one exception was when I was working for a bakery in Twickenham doing payroll for the shops in London and the burbs. There was a shop nearby the NatWest tower, which wasn't normally open on a Saturday, but because the shops outside London were short on bakers due to sickness and holiday, two bakers agreed to come in and do what is commonly called a 'bake off' - baking sausage rolls and bread for the Middlesex and Surrey shops. Two other people, the shop manageress and the area manager, again, who would not normally work on that day, decided to go in and catch up on some paperwork. Before they started, they decided to go to a local cafe and have a cup of tea first.
A little while later, with the bakers still baking and the managers still in the cafe, someone tried to blow up the NatWest tower. The proximity of the bomb meant that the shop window blew inwards, showering the bakers in glass and rendering them incapable of work for a week or three due to shock.
When you pay them, you feel closer to them somehow. I think now, the reason why I feel somehow connected, is my sudden decision to wrench myself away from the place. The umbilical cord is still connected, and why shouldn't it be? Also, I have colleagues in several offices in London, and a colleague here in Wales has a daughter in London, and I feel her concern, particularly as I'm a serial worrier.
God bless every single Londoner today. Travel safe.
Bar all conspiracy theories that seems to go with all terrorist bombings, its really strange that I somehow feel more uneasy now, living 250+ miles away than I did when I only lived around 20 miles away. Then, during the IRA's forays, I felt completely disconnected with what was going on in central London.
The one exception was when I was working for a bakery in Twickenham doing payroll for the shops in London and the burbs. There was a shop nearby the NatWest tower, which wasn't normally open on a Saturday, but because the shops outside London were short on bakers due to sickness and holiday, two bakers agreed to come in and do what is commonly called a 'bake off' - baking sausage rolls and bread for the Middlesex and Surrey shops. Two other people, the shop manageress and the area manager, again, who would not normally work on that day, decided to go in and catch up on some paperwork. Before they started, they decided to go to a local cafe and have a cup of tea first.
A little while later, with the bakers still baking and the managers still in the cafe, someone tried to blow up the NatWest tower. The proximity of the bomb meant that the shop window blew inwards, showering the bakers in glass and rendering them incapable of work for a week or three due to shock.
When you pay them, you feel closer to them somehow. I think now, the reason why I feel somehow connected, is my sudden decision to wrench myself away from the place. The umbilical cord is still connected, and why shouldn't it be? Also, I have colleagues in several offices in London, and a colleague here in Wales has a daughter in London, and I feel her concern, particularly as I'm a serial worrier.
God bless every single Londoner today. Travel safe.
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