I don't want to turn this into a cooking page...but

I made a blinder of a fake pizza tonight. So good I had to write it down for posterity.

Ingredients
2 slices of back bacon, sliced into strips
handful of mushrooms, sliced
small onion, chopped
1 italian stock cube
2 slices of bread, preferably thickly cut from an unsliced loaf
tomato ketchup
a couple of handfuls of grated cheese - mozarella if you're feeling posh, else mild cheddar will do

salt and pepper to serve

Feeds 2, or a ravenous 1

• Heat a frying pan - adding oil or butter if required
• Chuck in the bacon, mushrooms and onion, fry until everything is soft, about 5 mins I guess. About 3 quarters the way through cooking, crumble over the italian stock cube and stir thoroughly
• Meanwhile, toast the bread on one side under a hot grill, remove just before 'burning point' (i.e...."crisp"...but not charcoal...yeah?)
• Spread some ketchup over the untoasted side of the bread. The squirty tommy kay is dead useful for this - I was quite gratified it was useful for something, you get it all over the table when you're trying to annoint your chips. I digress.
• Pile on the bacon etc mixture on top, dividing the mixture equally yahdeyahda.
• Top with the grated cheese
• Place under hot grill and toast until cheese has started to get those lovely brown bubbly bits
• Add salt and pepper to taste and handover one of them to loved one, who asks in astonishment how you managed to create something so tasty and amazing in 5 minutes (well, mine did). Alternatively, pick your favourite listening or watching pleasure with a glass of fave tipple and pig out.

Hah. Who needs you Jamie Oliver.